


Cold feet

by evanescentdawn



Series: Severus-centric fics [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Everything Hurts, Gen, Missing Scene, Post-First War with Voldemort, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Hatred, i have a lot of snape feelings okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:01:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22512922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evanescentdawn/pseuds/evanescentdawn
Summary: A exploration of Snape's character after the end of the first war with Voldemort.(He will fuck it up again, that's what he does - everything Severus Snape touches falls apart.) (It's the ineffable truth.)(Severus snape is a murder of worlds, he leaves ruins where he goes -- there was nevera redemptionfor him.)
Relationships: Albus Dumbledore & Severus Snape, Lily Evans Potter & Severus Snape, Minerva McGonagall & Severus Snape, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Series: Severus-centric fics [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1560919
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	Cold feet

There are voices in Snape’s head. Sometimes. Occasionally. (Actually no, that’s a lie - there are _always_ voices. It never stops. It only increases. It starts one day when he is fifteen, and it never stops.) It’s there when he wakes up— _stop, don’t wake up you pathetic piece of human. What difference will make if you get up for once in your life can’t you ever stop you only ruin everything. Remember her? Yes her, remember lily and what yo_ — Severus at this point is trembling and pale, lips thin-tight. The voice is always harsh, bitting - it comes when Severus least expects, when he thinks _maybe, what if_ and lets his guard down and starts to smile for god’s sake! (But- no, not really. Snape _thinks_ it comes when he least expects, but that’s untrue. Snape _implicitly_ knows. There are signs. Subtle signs. There is tension crackling in the air, a squirmy knot of feelings in his chest; Snape is always alone.)

The voice reminds me of who he is, how is he here (back in Hogwarts and not in Azkaban) (alive and not hollow shell rotting away in a cell.)

(-- _only because of Dumbledore’s ‘kindness’ you idiot, because you are only a valuable spy what else were you expecting. Ha! Don’t tell you thought that... oh god. You did._ )

Sometimes (that’s a lie. It’s _always_ . Learn to pick the truths, this guy Snape is tangled of lies and more lies. Look for the cracks in his face: restless eyes, teeth bitten lips, pauses, hesitant movements.) - sometimes, Snape _Talks Back._

 _Irrational Snape_ that’s what the voice calls him, the one who got too soft over the months, the only who started to believe. _Oh please, you don’t think so, do you?_ ... _Oh my god. You do_. Here Snape feels a red burn in his neck, full of humiliation as his stomach drags at his feet and he clutches the invitation letter by Molly tighter.

_But you are not going to go, right? .... You are. You were planning to go to. Oh god. You! I’m speechless. Honestly, do you think they would welcome you? You! Severus Snape, ex-death eater! With loving arms and kisses? Ha. That’s funny. Poor Severus…. you have gotten corrupt by that old man’s ideas. I never knew it was this bad._

Snape’s face his pinched, he looks like he can’t believe what he’s going to say (there is a tremor to the muscle in his lips, wetness in his eyes). A few moments of silence beats on when Severus bites on his lips and says, _why not?_ He says it with bitter defiant, hands curled into fists around the Invitation. (Why not, just this time. _Please_. I want to go. I don't want to feel like this, seeing lily at every corner of my eyes. I don’t go back to my old life. _Just this once, I want to_ -) It looks for Snape so painful to get the words out ( _they’ve been trapped in there for so long, they don’t know how to crawl out_ ). He chokes and stumbles on the words but keeps talking. He carries on: _I don’t want to be on the side for all my life, I don’t be hated._.. (I wanted to be liked so much, _I became a Death Eater and now look, Lily is_ \--) (Lily is dead.) 

The Voice is silent as Severus stutters on, watching. It is silent even after Severus stops talking. The silence stretches for so long that Snape can feel it press uncomfortably in his skin ( _like sharp nails pressing into his lungs full of aches and longing, leaving behind bruises_ ) and he almost regrets saying anything at all. He wishes to take it all back after the reality of his words sink in. 

He is horrified, disgusted. 

_Oh God, what are you saying? Stop. Remember._

_(you killed lily)._

_You Selfish Bastard._

.

Sometimes (this used to be always. Now it’s _rarely,_ almost, _barely_. Once something happens, and you regret it, you learn to do it never again even though-- _despite_ the temptation because you hate that feeling of regret. Of humiliation. Of dread and horror at your actions. It’s safer to say nothing, safer to stay still - to not take that step into the unknown land. Snape likes taking no risks, likes that comfort of not thinking about it, his feelings that are pooling in the bottom of his stomach. It’s easier. It’s safer _. Funny though - that he can risk his life, lie through his teeth at the Dark Lord while looking him in the eye_. For somethings, you can never find the courage for it. ) -- sometimes, Snape Talks Back. 

He is more silent when The Voice bites. He lets it leave scars on his skin, heart, lungs. _It suits him_ , he thinks. Snape and his ugly scars. They are exclusive. He always spent his life being small ( _rarely_ , _barely_ \-- ever tall), always a follower even if the thought makes his throat narrow, his teeth clench. It is a fact he can’t deny: Severus Snape has always being a follower.

(but he’s also a fighter, a survivor -- when someone tries to push him down, he _snaps back_ ) 

( _Snivellus_ , they called him. And Severus walked with his head high, despite the turmoil of emotions in his stomach.)

(So when The Voice calls him a coward, he Silences it) 

-

Despite the thoughts of everything, Snape wasn’t always a master at Occlumency. He wasn’t never great at controlling his emotions, never any good at _pretending and acting._ He didn’t make calculated movements he used to speak without constraints, never thinking of the consequences. He drew to himself mostly. So excited about Hogwarts he almost forgot about his poor and muggle background. He never used to hide those parts of himself. But people noticed, _Slytherins_ noticed, _purebloods_ noticed. _Lucius Malfoy_ did. And they all hated him, set him dirty looks like he was beneath him. (Lily was always the expectation) He never belonged anywhere. His father’s sharp eyes and large hands; his mother’s sad, sad eyes and painful silence followed him to Hogwarts. He was a _f-cking fitchy, awkward_ kid.

He had to learn to choose the right movements, how to walk properly. To not stumble, trip over his feet. (Head up, neck straight; _look them eye, don’t fidget._ ) He had to learn how to choose the right words, needed to build his vocabulary and rehearse in front of the mirror all day for years to get it right. (Use low voice, be blunt and straight to the point; use pauses for effect, _don’t stutter.)_ It was frustrating, humiliating but he could breathe better after the stares had started to drop and _surprising_ , Lucius Malfoy started to take him under his arm. He decided liked the attention, the feeling of Lucius’s lips against his (it sent electrics down his spine, _he was wanted, he was liked_ ). The point was that for all his life, he had to teach himself there was never anyone. It was only him ( _and the voice_ ).

Minerva was unexpected. 

Severus never hoped (it was buried _under, under_ everything but it _always_ there. The bumbling hope.) - to have... friends (he hated it). He doesn’t do friends (not after Lily). He has acquaintances, colleagues, neighbours, enemies and (eventually, will have) students but not - friends. The Malfoys aren’t friends, he doesn’t know what to call them. They kiss sometimes, fumble around it’s nothing serious. They keep him around - tell him close secrets, but there’s always a _distance_ that can’t be put in measurements or names between him and the Malfoys (its feelings, colours and shapes). So Severus Snape has no friends, certainly not role models/mentors (well, except his mother) (and that was also up for debate)

Minerva was… [ _a surprise._ ]

He becomes Slughorn’s apprenticeship after the war and meets Minerva again as a colleague. He was never close to her as a student (he hated her, she always favoured Potter and his Gang) and he thought - she hated him also. Things should not have changed as he became a teacher apprenticeship and later a teacher himself. But it does. 

They have been on odds, ignoring each other -- sometimes he finds her eyes on him, _judging & disapproving._ It sets his guards up, ignites a sharp defiant in him as he hears the whispers of her thoughts to Dumbledore. 

(”...are you sure-? Albus, I don’t think he’s good for this role.” Minerva says, lips tight. “This is _children_ we are talking about! Not one of your _silly games_.” 

“There’s nothing to worry, my dear. I know what I’m doing. Severus just needs time.” Dumbledore smiles, popping a lemon into his mouth. 

Minerva clearly disagrees but shows no argue. _Supposedly all too familiar with Dumbledore’s stubbornness_ , Snape thinks before walking away but not before catching a “You quite remind me of him.” from Dumbledore. It makes him pause, blink - and unconsciously fiddle with the button on his wrist.) 

,

Snape expected the scorn, the looks - he was an _ex-death eater_. He _knows_. What was surprising was - he didn’t think it would affect _him_ ; make him want to become better, especially after when Slughorn runs away and leaves with a room of kids that need teaching. He never saw himself putting in the hours, putting in effort and planning _._ He never expected to enjoy it - Hogwarts. (There were ugly memories here, that puts dark circles under his eyes. That makes more conscious and alert; _here was where he and Lily had a fight, where she left him. Here was where he almost died._ ) (-- _Snivellus_ , they called him.)

He didn’t expect Minerva to drop pointers to him, on how to teach and deal with the kids. It wasn’t _explicit_ \- it was small gestures (coming to supervise his classroom, giving offhanded compliments on how he taught, sometimes giving subtle advice). He never realised until he saw himself mimicking, instinctively, parts of her teaching style. It surprised him but also - _there was a warm feeling_ that made Severus close his eyes shut and immediately distance himself from Minerva. 

He never does.

The Voice belittles him for this. _Snape, Snape come on. Not this again. You can't be - possibility - serious, thinking of her as a friend?_ (Teeth into lips, heartbeat increasing, eyes slightly wilder. _yes, yes I do,_ Snape thinks.) _Do you think you deserve_ _her kindness_? (No.) _It’s not kindness, you’re being desperate, pathetic and not seeing right_. _it’s called pity. She probably wants to make you like her - so you can become the punchline. Isn’t that everyone else did?_

Snape does not answer. Snape does not respond. He hurries towards the door with trembling, white hands (It is so small, you would not notice until you looked closer, _peered through his cracks_.)

The Voice continues.

_Face it, Severus, no matter how much you try to delude yourself, you don’t belong here. You never did._

But - He _knows_. Severus knows his marked arm and his past aren't welcome here. (He's here only on borrowed time. Because of ) Despite so, the implicit friendship (he startles at the sudden warm, flutter-jump in his heartbeat... _friendship_ ) between him and Minerva is... _nice_. Severus finds he... _likes_ it. (It’s _love_. The word. It's love, not like. He finds... he loves it.) The causality of it, bantering and teasing like it’s... _normal_. But nothing about it is normal. He has a friend. It’s a nervous anxiety-inducing situation. (Dumbledore side remarks aren’t helping at all.)

(He will fuck it up again, that's what he does - everything Severus Snape touches falls apart.) (It's the ineffable truth.)

 _...How long it is going to last Sev, this role-play as a teacher (no matter how much you try to run, the past always catches up)._ _I don’t think to ending it with murder will be an option again. You friend-murder. (Don’t forget, you’ve got her blood on your hands.) (Don't forget. You can't forget.)_

.

There’s a beat, the sound of shattering mirror; blood on knuckles- and 

Snape walks out of the room, leaving behind shards of glass, pool of blood (It's a metaphor. It's a foreshadow. There is no clean break, there's jagged wound where his fist meets his reflection. A mess of blood and glass on the floor, fractions of his reflects as he steps over it. It will never go away. The scar and the blood stains. It's easy covering it up, cleaning away. No one else knows. All it takes is a swift movement of a wand, a whispered spell. But - _you_ will remember. You won't forget -- _can't_ forget.)

-

(Years have past, Severus is older and there's murder on his name. _Albus_ _Dumbledore._ And - Minerva looks at him like she made a mistake _befriending him, liking him_ and she has.)

(He will break her world. Her home. Her life. With cold eyes and colder hands. _Already has_.)

(Severus snape is a murder of worlds, he leaves ruins where he goes -- there was _never a redemption_ for him.)


End file.
